“Anushka and I are just sick and tired of all the talk from the media and fans about her presence at the games and how that apparently affects my form,” said Kohli at a press conference. “This way, I can prove once and for all that the two are not connected in any way. If I make a big score with just her watching me at the stadium, no one can deny that she’s good for me.”
And how does Anushka feel about the prospect of having a whole stadium to herself to watch her boyfriend perform?
“Can I at least bring my mother or something?” she asked in a small voice. “I imagine it will be pretty lonely otherw–”
“No,” interrupted Kohli. “I need to know it’s just your eyes on me, no one else. Just you. Watching me. Watching me watching you. Watching me watching you watching me. I better make a big score,” he added somewhat nervously. “No pressure or anything, dear.”
“But what if you don’t?” continued a worried looking Anushka. “I mean this whole thing just feels a little–”1
“Oh my god,” she said in an even smaller voice.
“Because, babe. What the fans and media don’t understand is the kind of relationship we have. Which is the kind where one literally finishes the other’s sentences, especially yours. If they knew that they’d realise you can only have a positive impact on my cricket. God, I love you. You love me too, you know,” he hastened to add. “You love me too.”
R Rajkumar tweets @roundarmraj
All quotes and “facts” in this piece are made up, but you knew that, didn’t you?